In [...]]]> They risked their lives to speak out for peace in their own countries. Now the women who have won Nobel peace prizes in recent years are calling on individuals, organizations, and governments around the world to join a week of action against the use of rape and gender violence in war and conflict.

In the Democratic Republic of Congo alone, more the 400,000 women were raped between 2006-2007. In wars from Bosnia to Bangladesh, rape has been used as an explicit weapon of war. And some of the countries with the highest levels of rape are the ones emerging from years of conflict, for example, South Africa and Colombia.

Men have different roles in all this: as perpetrators, survivors, and witnesses; as peacekeepers, and police and soldiers (some who commit the rape in the first place); as service providers and as agents of change. (I’ll write more about this soon.)

Let me urge you, whether a woman or a man, to do three things:

• Post your pledge to speak out on the Stop Rape in Conflict Facebook page
• Tweet about the problem of violence as a weapon of war and include #IPLEDGE and @stoprapecmpgn
• Read more about the issue, for example, the report from the May 2011 conference

They risked their lives. I hope you’ll risk a few minutes of your time to post your pledge or to learn more.

My research has uncovered a [...]]]> Locked-in syndrome is a nightmarish condition where you are awake but you have no voluntary control over your muscles. You are totally conscious but also completely paralyzed, unable to move or communicate in any way except, in some cases, by blinking your eyes.  Fortunately, locked-in syndrome is extremely rare.

My research has uncovered a far-more common and, in its own insidious way, as devastating a condition: locked-out syndrome.

Locked-out syndrome occurs when you have full control over your body, but your mind is not aware that your body exists. Or, if aware, you obsessively pretend that it doesn’t. You are locked out of your body.

Tens of millions of people have been stricken by locked-out syndrome, particularly in countries with high levels of conservative religiosity.

Watch for These Symptoms!

Symptoms do vary by country and culture, but they can include:

• Intense shame associated with our bodies.
• A particular obsession with women’s bodies. For the most extremely locked out, a belief that women should cover their hair, arms, legs. For the somewhat less locked out, severe psychological reaction to anything that confirms that women have nipples. Pubic hair: forget it.
• Prohibiting displays of public indecency, such as breastfeeding.
• Hysterical reactions to the thought of children and young adults learning age-appropriate things about physical pleasure, sexuality, birth control, and sexual decision-making and communication. (And subsequently not noticing when you end up with high rates of sexually-transmitted infections, sexual assault, unwanted pregnancies, or people stuck in sexually unsatisfying relationships.)
• Refusal to freely provide safe and effective means of birth control.
• A belief that those same women to whom you’ve denied sex education or birth control should not have the right to obtain an abortion when many of them become pregnant against their wishes.
• Taking as more important the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) of a country than its GSP (Gross Sexual Pleasure) or misunderstanding that term and thinking sexual pleasure is gross.
• Castigating masturbation as shameful and sinful.
• Slicing off or sewing up the genitals of girls in the name of tradition.
• A pathological refusal to imagine that being physically attracted to someone of your same sex is as healthy as attraction to someone of the other sex.
• Blaming sexual assault on the victims.
• Oh, and for men, wonderful escape clauses from all of the above particularly if you are in a position of economic, political, or religious power.

Join Those Who Are Working to Prevent Locked-Out Syndrome

Luckily for us all, there are women and men who are working hard to prevent locked-out syndrome. The incredible thing is that to support them you don’t even have to wear a ribbon!

But you do need to:

• speak out against (and vote out of office!) politicians who suffer from this syndrome or act as insipid mouthpieces for those who spread this filthy disease;
• encourage healthy and positive sexuality education in schools;
• support the accessibility of safe and effective means of birth control and abortion with the costs covered under public health care;
• guarantee that everyone has the same legal rights – to marriage, property, adoption, inheritance – regardless of who their body and mind are attracted to (assuming, of course, there is mutual consent);
• support legal reforms, public education campaigns, and training of police, judges, teachers, health-care providers, and religious authorities to end sexual and physical violence, child marriages, and harmful traditional practices such as female genital cutting;
• financially and verbally support organizations in your community that are working to prevent locked-out syndrome.

Sexual and physical violence at the hands of a man hits a staggering 45 percent of [...]]]> When I speak to MPs in the British Parliament on Monday, I’m going to say that for too long women have stood alone. When it comes to violence against women, we’re still thinking it’s “just” a women’s issue.this.

Sexual and physical violence at the hands of a man hits a staggering 45 percent of women in England and Wales sometime in their lives. That’s one-quarter of your constituents. Voters. People who give you your jobs.

Men’s violence against women hits the pocketbooks of all your constituents: The direct costs to your taxpayers of medical care, police responding to violence, courts, prisons, social workers, and refuges is £5.8 billion per year. Your taxpayers can probably think of ways they’d rather spend that money.

Men’s violence against women exacts a terrible toll on the children of your nation. Contemporary research by neuroscientists shows us that the 750,000 children who witness such violence each year in the UK have marked and measurable deficits in the development of their brains, particularly when the abuse they witness (or directly suffer) is ongoing and when it happens when they are very young. If your job as Members of Parliament is to build a strong future for the country, these 3 million children during one term of office should be on your mind.

I’m going to suggest to the MPs that this is an issue for them as leaders. There are few other issues – one thinks for example of climate change – that have such a profound effect on so many of your constituents.

I’m going to suggest that this is also very much an issue for men. Not only for that sizeable minority of men who use violence in their relationships, but that majority of good men who don’t use violence but who have remained silent.

Why should that silence worry us? It’s because boys look to men and men look to other men to define what it means to be a man. So if we’re silent in the face of rape jokes or demeaning images of women in the media, when a friend or brother abuses his wife, or when we see sexual harassment in our workplace or classroom, then boys and men will take our silence as consent.

When I tell MPs this is an issue for all men, I’ll rush to reassure them I’m not talking about collective guilt or collective blame.  It’s more like an act of collective love for the women in our lives so they know we’re working together for a world without violence against women.

When UK men do speak out against the violence, they won’t be alone.  When we started the White Ribbon Campaign twenty years ago, it was pretty unusual for men to be speaking out. Now, at my latest count, the campaign has spread from Canada to about seventy countries. In some countries, like Lebanon or Mongolia, the campaign is still small, while in others, such as Australia and New Zealand, it’s a huge and prominent national effort. And this is but one example of the many initiatives underway around the world.

I’ll suggest to MPs that this is one issue where they can inspire the nation by speaking with one united voice: whatever important issues and party affiliations divide us can take a back seat to our determination to raise our voices to end all forms of violence against women: emotional abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking, trafficking, sexual harassment at work, and murder.

And I will say this: For too long women have stood alone, suffered alone or heroically resisted alone. We all owe it to the women we care so much about – our mothers and daughters, our sisters, wives and friends – to speak out as leaders, as women and men, to bring this violence to an end. Our future has no violence against women.

In the distance, groups of men thump the drums of war. They talk of the cleansing power of explosives stuffed into a car. They anonymously rain missiles [...]]]> It’s another day for most women in the world: breakfast is cooked, diapers are changed, fields are tended, computers switched on, patients treated, students taught, and houses cleaned.

In the distance, groups of men thump the drums of war. They talk of the cleansing power of explosives stuffed into a car. They anonymously rain missiles from the sky. They order their soldiers to shoot their own citizens to retain their boney grip of power.

Men in Bangladesh gather in support of International Women's Day 2005

Closer to home, there are still far too many men who believe it is their right to hit a woman.  Or if not exactly their right, they say it was an unfortunate outcome of a temper that is a bit out of control, a bad day at the office, or a bit too much to drink.

There are still far too many men who feel that the difficult, glorious, exhausting, and exhilarating work of raising our children is, somehow, not our work, too.   And, who also believe they deserve to have someone cook for them and clean for them as if they were a helpless child or a king.

There are still men who don’t see how our governments, our economies, and our places of worship will benefit from the equal leadership of women.

There are too many men who oppose women’s reproductive rights and control over their own bodies.

There are men who believe that women in the workplace or on the streets are open targets for their jokes, whistles, comments, and proposals.

There are too many men who still don’t understand the simplest of words:  No.

On this day, March 8, International Women’s Day, there seems to be more than the normal disconnect between the lives and experiences of women and the lives and experiences of men.  For nowadays, women are challenging this blind exercise of power, whether meted out in the battlefield, at the office, or in the home.

As much as any single thing, the past forty years have been shaped by the courage of countless women and girls.  In only one or two generations, unequal social relationships and ideas of womanhood and manhood that date back seven, eight thousand years have been swept aside.  No corner of the globe is untouched.  No institution is immune.

And at last, an increasing number of men are responding to the urgent and impassioned voices of women.  We are challenging our own assumptions about what it means to be men.  We are reshaping our relationships with children.  We are thinking about our words and behaviour.

We are building a new bond with women, one based not on domination but on shared responsibilities, respect, and love.

I cannot speak on behalf of any other man, but I know I have millions of brothers who share these words:  To the women and girls around the world who continue to inspire us, happy International Women’s Day!

And click here to read the statement: “Men for Women’s Choice.”

En español: Día Internacional de las Mujeres … Una carta de amor de los hombres

We hold these truths as deep moral beliefs. All humans should have the right to autonomy and bodily integrity. For women and men, this often means the same thing, but for women it has an additional meaning: [...]]]> Like an ever-growing number of men around the world, we think that women should control their own bodies.

We hold these truths as deep moral beliefs. All humans should have the right to autonomy and bodily integrity. For women and men, this often means the same thing, but for women it has an additional meaning: the ability to make choices regarding whether she will bear a child.

We believe that no man should be able to force a woman to bear a child she does not want. No man should be able to limit her ability to obtain safe and effective means of contraception.

We believe that the government has many important roles in our society. But the state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation.

There are those (including some who support this statement) who believe that abortion and contraception interfere with the workings of God. Men who support women’s choice respect each person’s right to make their own birth control and abortion choices based on their beliefs. At the same time, we share the belief that none of us has the right to limit or interfere with a woman’s moral position or personal choices, nor interfere with health care providers who are assisting her right to exercise those choices.

As men with strong moral beliefs, as men for women’s choice, we especially emphasize our belief that no man – no husband, no boyfriend, no judge, no doctor, no politician, and no religious leader – should have control over a woman’s body.  Ever.

With a wave of fresh attacks on women’s rights, now is the time for us, as men, to speak out with loud and clear voices to express our profound concern. We urge men:

• to speak out in our communities, media, places of worship and halls of government in support of a woman’s right to safe and effective means of contraception and abortion;
• to oppose arbitrary laws and regulations that make it difficult to obtain these medical services;
• to keep abortion out of criminal law and see it solely as a medical procedure to be utilized by a woman in consultation with her doctor;
• to support enhanced government funding and policies to ensure that women’s reproductive rights are not only rights on paper, but that all women, regardless of where they live, where they work, or their financial resources, can obtain safe and effective birth control and abortion if they so choose;
• to support positive sexuality education in our schools that focuses on healthy relationships, sexual decision-making, and reproductive health (including the safe and effective use of birth control);
• to support political candidates who support these rights.

February 2012

WHAT IS

MEN FOR WOMEN’S CHOICE

&

HOW CAN YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

1. We are not an organization nor a conventional campaign. We are part of a decentralized effort to encourage men to speak out in support of women’s right to access safe and effective means of birth control and abortion.

2. We are men of all walks of life, religions, races, ethnicities, and political affiliations.

3. We encourage you to copy the statement (or download the PDF file: Men for Women’s Choice 2012) and:

• Circulate copies to your friends by email or in print form;
• Post it on your website or Facebook or Google+ page;
• Encourage members of your teams, clubs, organizations, unions, and associations to sign on and circulate it;
• Use it as the text for an ad in your local paper;
• Tweet about it.

4. We urge you to start a local campaign and:

• Create posters, videos, music;
• Hold breakfasts, vigils, press conferences in support of women’s reproductive rights;
• Raise money for organizations that campaign for women’s reproductive rights or provide birth control and abortion services.
• Support political candidates that support women’s rights.

5. We also encourage you to speak with respect to those who disagree with you; and you should expect the same respect in return. One of the main tactics of those who want to control women’s rights is to muzzle thoughtful discussion, to polarize, and to vilify and demonize those who disagree with them. We encourage men to take the moral high road, proudly holding our beliefs while respecting the right of others to hold their personal beliefs, as long as they don’t force them upon others.

6. Who are we? What is Men for Women’s Choice?  It is us.  We are you.

Click here to download the PDF of “Men for Women’s Choice”

In recent days, both the Republican presidential primaries, hearings in the [...]]]> There are concerted efforts by the extremists who now run the Republican Party to push through draconian laws in the United States that not only make abortions unavailable under any circumstances but put huge barriers to women obtaining safe and effective forms of contraception.

Why Men Should Control Reproduction

In recent days, both the Republican presidential primaries, hearings in the US Congress, and programs on Fox “News” have featured a parade of men stepping up to the microphone to tell women how to run their bodies.

There are those who wonder why men should be in charge of organizing women’s reproductive doings. But there are at least five strong reasons why this should be so:

1.) Father knows best.  Enough said.

2) It’s tradition (and Lord knows, we don’t have enough good old traditions anymore.) Take the Pope. The Pope has long told half-a-billion Catholic women that having abortions or using birth control is a mortal sin. Now, it’s true that most of these women don’t listen to him (otherwise, there’d now be five billion Catholic women on the planet.) But at least the Pope tries.

3) Men really really really want to have control over life and death. Come on, cut some slack here, girls. It’s always been tough on guys. I mean, you females pull off the ultimate magic trick in the universe. Feminist philosopher Mary O’Brien speculated that patriarchy emerged 8,000 or so years ago as a way for men to control women’s reproduction. That’s a lot of work for guys! You know, setting up a whole system of laws, beliefs, social structures, and religions, then forcing women into submission, and then going to war to conquer other groups of men. Shouldn’t men get a reward for all that hard work? Like controlling women for another 8,000 years?

4) Women shouldn’t have the right to control their own bodies and reproduction because they can’t be trusted to know what’s best for themselves. How do we know that? Because most women think they should have the right to choose to have an abortion if they wish and, overwhelmingly, that they should have the right to safe and effective forms of birth control. And since I, as a man, say they shouldn’t have that right, then, obviously, women don’t know what’s best for themselves…. (Google “circular argument” if this point doesn’t make sense to you.)

5) Men are so much smarter than women. (Just look at the towering figures running for the Republican presidential nomination.)  Men are more rational. (Just watch the crowd at Hooters or at any sports event.) Men are closer to God. (Just ask all those Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and Hindu fundamentalist guys who kill those people they disagree with.)

Afterword (on a more serious note): Please check out the statement, Men for Women’s Choice.  Updates will be tweeted from: @GenderEQ

Okay, it’s true: I’m a sucker for romance. Falling in love is a moment of such intensity that you simultaneously feel connected with every atom on the planet and yet are oblivious of everything but one other person.

I also know [...]]]> Valentine’s Day comes sugar-coated with images of flowers and chocolates, romance and love.

Okay, it’s true: I’m a sucker for romance. Falling in love is a moment of such intensity that you simultaneously feel connected with every atom on the planet and yet are oblivious of everything but one other person.

I also know romance can be a terrible trap:

• Too many people buy into the notion that all our emotional and intellectual needs should get met with just this one other person.
• Too many people hold the bizarre (and self-defeating) belief that they are incomplete until they meet their “other half.”
• Too many people are trapped in a soul-destroying and even abusive relationship because it’s a place where they once felt love.
• Too many people are denied public acceptance of their love because the other person happens to be the same sex.
• And too many people who are not in love feel belittled in a culture that celebrates it at every turn.

So how can we liberate romantic love from these traps? Help it live up to its promise of transcendent delight?

When I get asked that (more or less) when I’m speaking at a university or in a community, here’s (more or less) what I say:

1. Whether you’re hooking up with someone for one night or the rest of your life, you got to treat that person with respect. We hear that word all the time, but what does it really mean? It means listening to the other person’s words, their body language, what they say and what they don’t say. It means respect for their sexual desires and preferences. It means absolutely knowing you deserve respect in return.

2. Value independence: Both theirs and yours. Paradoxically, two independent people can form a stronger bond and a healthier relationship than two people who stick to each other like barnacles to a ship.

3. Good relationships can take hard work: listening, saying what you’re feeling, challenging, challenging yourself, compromising, knowing where you need to draw the line, and learning when you need to get some help, perhaps to figure out if some of the problems in your relationship are actually ways that one or both of you are triggered by things in each of your pasts.

4. Coercion, and physical, sexual and emotional violence destroy relationships and destroy lives. Learn about consent and make sure you have it

5. Challenge outdated gender roles that limit who you each are and limit how good a relationship can be.

6. And don’t worry. When it comes to romantic love, no one actually knows how to run slow motion down a beach into someone else’s arms.

“We apologize to anyone who may have been offended.”

You’ve heard it all too often: an apology that doesn’t really, well, apologize.

When my mother taught me to apologize to my sisters for one grievous childhood thing or another, it was all very clear: an apology meant four things. You take responsibility, [...]]]> “Mistakes were made.”

“We apologize to anyone who may have been offended.”

You’ve heard it all too often: an apology that doesn’t really, well, apologize.

When my mother taught me to apologize to my sisters for one grievous childhood thing or another, it was all very clear: an apology meant four things. You take responsibility, that is, you admit you did it. You recognize that what you did was wrong. You express that to another. And you say, explicitly or implicitly, that it will not happen again.

Afghan civilian casualties: "Mistakes were made"

But in the climate of venality that seems to be the Standard Operating Principle for big business and so many politicians these days – those two being ever-more synonymous – apologies are a different matter altogether.

Apologies are all about damage control. They’re about avoiding fallout, incurring bad publicity or a lawsuit. They’re all about appearing to be contrite but seldom taking responsibility.

Apology Technique 1: Passive aggressive

Take the infamous, “Mistakes were made.” This is a favorite of militaries when they just happen to kill a few dozen civilians at, say, a wedding party. Oops, I wrote that wrong. I should not have written “when they killed” but “when civilians were killed.”

In the writing business we call that a passive construction. When I write, “Mistakes were made” or “Civilians were killed” there isn’t any indication that anyone in particular made the mistake or killed the civilians.

This has long been a favorite of the military and politicians, as witnessed by George Orwell’s critique of the passive voice many years ago.

Apology Technique 2: Bait and Switch 

Pelican takes the bait

After the BP Gulf oil spill, BP’s apology began: “The Gulf spill is a tragedy that never should have happened….BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up the spill.” First the bait: An apparent apology, in the passive voice of course: it “never should have happened” as if a decision to pump oil from the sea floor, paying millions to supportive politicians, spending billions on construction, and divvying up millions in profits, somehow just happened.

Then, the switch: We’re taking responsibility. Sounds good. But responsibility for what? The spill? No. Only for cleaning up the mess. There seems to be, but in fact there is no, real apology or taking of responsibility for the spill itself. No promise not to repeat similar drilling programs that, someday, will lead to other “accidents.” All BP gave was a promise to clean up their mess (at least the part that people can see.)

Apology Technique 3: Half-baked apology

Michael's fully baked apple pie: No apologies needed

The other favorite is “We apologize to anyone who was offended.” This is probably the most common technique these days. I heard it, for example, after The Huffington Post conducted a poll to see which of two women celebrities appeared the most “tranny,” which is a derogatory term for transgendered people, implying along the way that if you are transgendered, you aren’t attractive. Huffington was pressed and it took down the story and the poll. The editor’s note included, in part, the formulation: “We regret the error and apologize to anyone who was offended.”

The problem isn’t only that this type of apology seems grudging―as if you’re only apologizing because a few oversensitive types got their knickers in a knot, as my British friends might say. The bigger problem is not recognizing that certain words or deeds are just plain wrong.

Huffington Post is far from the worst offender. But here’s what I wish they had said: “We regret our offensive remarks. We apologize to all our readers because we realize that such remarks are, indeed, offensive to everyone.”

I’m a strong believer that men gain a huge amount from feminism. It’s been a theme of my writing and public speaking for thirty years (including in my new book, co-written with Michael Kimmel, The Guy’s Guide to Feminism.)

But, [...]]]> Reason One: Giving Up is Hard to Do

I’m a strong believer that men gain a huge amount from feminism. It’s been a theme of my writing and public speaking for thirty years (including in my new book, co-written with Michael Kimmel, The Guy’s Guide to Feminism.)

But, let’s face it, you don’t make omelets without cracking a few eggs. In this case, the eggs are the forms of power and privilege men have traditionally enjoyed:

• In the past, we men only had to compete with half of humanity for most jobs. Now, we have to compete with all of humanity.
• At night, men got to relax, go out with friends, or pursue our careers, sports or hobbies while our wives (even if they worked outside the home) did most childcare and domestic work. Now, we’re expected to do our fair share.
• Some workplaces were straight out of locker rooms. Now, with sexist behavior challenged, for some men, work just isn’t as much fun.
• No matter our personal abilities, society automatically valued us. Some religions said we were closer to God. We were automatically seen as stronger, more rational, and leaders.
• In relationships we got cooked for, shopped for, cleaned up after, and emotionally stroked.
• We could (if we so chose) have power in getting sex. Now, we can get put in jail for things that not long ago were seen as men’s rights.
• In some families and relationships, we were the ultimate decision-makers. Now, we have to share power and decision-making.

In other words, some men are afraid of feminism because it challenges forms of men’s power and privilege that one-half of our species foisted on the other about 8,000 years ago. Giving up is hard to do.

Reason Two: Being a Man is Hard to Do

Here’s the strange thing: many men also fear feminism because they fear they’re not “real men.” I’ve written a lot about this, what I call “men’s contradictory experiences of power.” What this means is that the ways we set up our male-dominated societies not only bring men power and privilege but, paradoxically, is the source of pain for men.

One source of this pain is that we set up impossible ideals of manhood: You know: always strong, fearless, in control, etc. etc. Of course no man can live up to these ideals. But so long as we had uncontested male-dominated societies, we could pretend to ourselves and each other that we did. Why? Because we could contrast ourselves to the other half that clearly did not.

Now that women are asserting their strength, power, smarts, and sexuality, now that women are saying that anything a man can do, they can do as well, it takes the air out of the sails of many men. If deep down they didn’t feel like real men before, now those feelings are unconsciously multiplied.

Reason Three: Changing Ideas is Hard to Do

In spite of amazing changes that are benefitting most women and most men, the ideas associated with male domination still cling hard:

• Religions and traditional beliefs have a life of their own and a deep staying power. Especially in a time of economic, political and social upheavals when the future seems tenuous, some men (and women) cling to old ideas.
• Old ideas continue to morph and adapt. You might think that right-wingers are against women’s equality. But actually, many of their current ideas would have been seen as crazy feminist ideas forty years ago: A woman can be president or prime minister?  Women are as smart and capable as men? Women have as much right as men to pursue careers and education? … In other words, feminism has actually had a big impact even when it seems there is still huge opposition by some men and women to it.
• Parts of the media have continued to do a remarkable hatchet job on feminism. Ask people in many countries about the specific issues associated with gender equality or violence against women. Many (and in some countries, most) will take a feminist stance. But ask if they agree with feminism and they’ll bring out their stereotype of who or what a feminist is and say “No!”
• Finally, feminist women and pro-feminist men haven’t done a good enough job of transforming the mainstream. If we truly believe our ideas are just and are right, then everyone should subscribe to them! We should not be afraid of working in the mainstream. We should not be afraid of differences among us, but rather we should find ways to work with those who we don’t see as natural allies, and agree to disagree on specific issues. We should not be afraid to make mistakes or to not be perfect.